


The Legend of ManBearPig

by TheCanadianArtist28



Series: South Park/The South Six [3]
Category: South Park
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fan Rewrite, M/M, Remake, Retelling, Rewrite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 18:21:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19323577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCanadianArtist28/pseuds/TheCanadianArtist28
Summary: The South Six and a reluctant David Rodriguez end up helping Al Gore rid the world of "ManBearPig," only to find themselves abandoned by this less-than-average politician.





	1. What Is ManBearPig?

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Fanon/Non-canon style retelling. And also acts as an alternate continuity to the main series itself. Feel free to comment, review and fave it!
> 
> Based on the original episode "ManBearPig” written by Trey Parker
> 
> South Park is created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone  
> South Park is owned by Comedy Central/South Park Studios
> 
> My OCs (Michael and Sheldon) is owned by TheCanadianArtist
> 
> DISCLAIMER: For the fans of the show or new comers: All characters and events in this fan-fiction, including real people, are all fiction. All celebrity cameos are written poorly. The following story contains strong language and content not meant for everyone. This fic is also loosely based on the actual show. Reader Discretion is advised…

(South Park Elementary school gym, day. The student body is gathered there to hear from a guest speaker. PC Principal is presiding)

PC Principal: [taps the mic six times] All right everyone, listen up. We have a very special guest speaker today. Now who can tell-I CAN SEE YOU WHISPERING TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND RIGHT NOW, MALKINSON!!! [Scott Malkinson is shown, but he’s texting to his girlfriend Sophie Gray]  
Scott Malkinson: [with a lisp] Sorry.  
PC Principal: Ok for those of you don’t know him before, He is here today to talk to you students about some very serious issues. Please welcome Al Gore. [some applause. Al Gore arrives and PC Principal steps away to one side]  
Michael/Cartman/Heidi/Stan/Kyle: Who?!  
Kenny: [muffled] Who?  
Al Gore: [wearing a cape, loosely] Thank you, PC Principal, students of South Park Elementary.. I'm here to educate you about the single biggest threat to our planet. You see, there is something out there which threatens our very existence and may be the end of the human race as we know it. You know we’re talking about.....[a projector comes on and a picture of a monster appears] ManBearPig. [a beast with the legs and tail of a pig, the body and arms of a bear, and the face and upper-body posture of a man]  
Heidi: (softly to Cartman) ManBearPig? What’s that? [Cartman just turns his hands up and shrugs]  
Al Gore: Hint? I’ll tell you a hint: It’s a creature which roams the earth alone. It is half man, half bear, and half pig. Some people say that ManBearPig isn't real. Well, I'm here to tell you know, ManBearPig is very real, and he most certainly exists. I'm serial. Right? ManBearPig doesn't care who you are or what you've done. ManBearPig simply wants to get you! I'm super-serial. [Mr. Mackey and Mrs. Garrison just look at each other.] But have no fear, because I am here to save you! And someday, when the world take down on ManBearPig, everyone will say "Thank you, Al Gore. You're super awesome." The end.  
[No applause from South Park Elementary students]  
Al Gore: Thank you, class. Excelsior! [runs off in superhero pose]

(Scene cuts to School hallway, After assembly. The six friends is at their lockers, confused about Al Gore)

Michael: (talking about Al Gore) I don’t get it. Why would he talk about something that’s not true?  
Stan: Yeah, tell me about it. All he does is make things up.  
Cartman: Or maybe he’s been reading the Fake News on-  
Kyle: (to Cartman) He did NOT read the fake news, fatass! He’s doing it so he can get the whole world his attention!  
Cartman: Like....getting the Jews their attention for his excuse?  
Kyle: (confused) No, that’s not the whole po-whatever, I mean, what if we do end up trusting him by proving this unknown being is real?  
Michael: Why would we ever trust him, Kyle? I do support Bob White and he doesn’t give a crap about Al Gore!  
Kyle: Michael, come on. What does Bob White has to do with Al Gore?!  
Cartman: I bet Jews like you who don’t trust Al Gore, Kyle!  
Kyle: (referencing about Al Gore) Is this how you insult him? I mean, I do support and follow Al Gore on Twitter, and I didn’t get away with it!!  
Heidi: Guys, come on, Let’s get going to class right now before we say anything bad about him.  
Cartman: (confused) Me?  
Heidi: (to Cartman) No not you, babe. (referencing about Al Gore) Him.  
Cartman: Oh, right.

(South Park, evening. The kids are playing basketball in a neighborhood park. Cartman has possession of the ball)

Cartman: [giggles as he dribbles] Check out this sweet move! [tries to dribble around Kyle, but Kyle blocks him] Kyle, you can't block like that.  
Kyle: Just shut up and play the game, fatass!  
Stan: [open under the net] Pass it to me, Cartman?  
Cartman: Hang on. I'm going to do something killer. [tries to fake Kyle out, but Kyle taps the ball away. Cartman goes after it] God damnit, stop it, Kyle!  
[Heidi is giggling]  
Kyle: You think it’s funny, Heidi?!  
(Nearby, as the moon rises over the mountains, a shadow moves across the forest, its claws fairly visible)  
Cartman: [tries again, moving Kyle back some] All right guys, check this out. This is a total Kobe Bryant I'm about to do.  
Heidi: Go for it, babe!  
Cartman: Thanks, Heidi!  
[Cartman then keeps dribbling without making a move]  
Kyle: Just take a shot or pass the ball, asshole!  
Michael: It's getting late, Eric!  
[The beast moves closer to some bushes, then stands up and sees the basketball court. And then, the beast breaks through the bushes and steps onto the basketball court]  
Al Gore: FOOD! [it's Al Gore in a homemade ManBearPig costume. The six friends turn to see who it is] Don't worry, it's not really ManBearPig. It's me, Al Gore. It’s just only me, ok?  
Kyle: We know. [several seconds of silence follow]  
Heidi: Question. What are you doing here?  
Cartman: Dude, tell us!  
Al Gore: Ok listen very carefully: I'm spreading ManBearPig awareness. Here, each of you kids take a pamphlet and a bumper sticker. [Kyle looks at the sticker; the sticker has a "ManBearPig" crossed out by a red circle and bar, and the words "We must all stop ManBearPig" to the left of the ManBearPig] I hope now you kids see that this is totally serial. The next time, it could be the "real" ManBearPig. Can I just get you to sign the awareness sheet? Just your name and phone number and where you first heard about ManBearPig?  
Kyle: Ok. We’ll do it. We’ll help you find ManBearPig.  
Cartman: Kyle! Don’t even think about it! We are not going to trust him!  
Heidi: Come on, what would we ever truly trust him?  
Kyle: He’s not that bad, Heidi! He needs help.  
Michael: (referencing about Al Gore) What if we ended up being deceived by h-  
Sheldon Richardson: [waiting nearby in the family car] Michael?  
Michael: Oh hey, dad!  
Al Gore: [turns around slowly and waves] Hello.  
Sheldon Richardson: [vigilant] It's getting late, kids! Why don't you get in the car and I'll drive you all home?  
(Gilligan cut to Sheldon’s family car, driving them home]  
Sheldon Richardson: I want you kids promise me, I want you all never: You won’t never hang out with that ex vice-president anymore, okay?  
Michael: Come on, Dad. He was just trying to warn us about ManBearPig.  
Sheldon Richardson: ManBearPig? The fuck is that?  
Michael: He’s half-man And he’s a bear-pig. That’s it!  
Sheldon Richardson: Michael Richardson, where are you getting this from? The fake news online?  
Michael: No I wasn’t reading the Fake news online, Dad!  
Sheldon Richardson: Good! Kids, there's no such thing as ManBearPig.  
Heidi: Why?  
Sheldon Richardson: Well Heidi because, the ex-vice president is just desperate for attention. And he’s using it as an bad excuse.  
Michael: But I feel kind of bad for him, Dad. I don't think he has any friends.  
Stan: Yeah he’s lonely!  
Cartman: What if we give him a chance to trust him?  
Heidi: That could work, babe.

[Scene now cuts to Michael’s room, night. He has his phone with him, on his bed. A call comes in and he picks up. It's Al Gore. He sighs and answers]

Michael: Hello?  
Al Gore: Hello, this is Al Gore.  
Michael: [shuts his eyes and covers them with his left hand] Oh hi Mr. Gore.  
Al Gore: You know who I am, right?  
Michael: Uh, the ex-vice president?  
Al Gore: Bingo. Look, can you and your friends make it to an emergency ManBearPig meeting tomorrow morning? I have some evidence he could be in this area.  
Michael: We got school tomorrow, so we’re a lot busy!  
Al Gore: [several seconds of silence] Oh. I get it. You don't believe me either. [gets emotional] I'm trying to warn everybody and nobody takes me serial! [begins weeping over the phone] I just want somebody in the world to take me serial just for once.  
Michael: I do believe in you, Mr. Gore.  
Al Gore: No you don’t.  
Michael: Yeah, I'm sure ManBearPig needs to be stopped. I'm just... I'm just scared that I can't do anything to stop him. Please.  
Al Gore: Are you serial?  
Michael: Yes. I am fully serial with you.  
Al Gore: [reinvigorated] Don't worry! We CAN stop him! Bring everyone you can to my ManBearPig meeting tomorrow at 8 a.m. sharp! [hangs up]


	2. The Whereabouts of ManBearPig

[Scene now cuts to Komfort Inn, morning. The six friends climb up to the second floor and walk to Room 2]

Heidi: Why are we doing this again?  
Kyle: To hang out with Al Gore, of course!  
Cartman: Are we “serial” guys?  
Michael: Come on, guys, Al Gore doesn't have any friends. We'll just make an appearance at his little meeting and then we'll go. [the door opens and Al Gore greats the kids]  
Al Gore: Hi kids! Come on in! [the kids follow him in] Okay, let's get this meeting started.  
[Then after following Al Gore into his room, the six friends are surprised to see David Rodriguez]  
Michael: David? (Dah-veed)  
Cartman: Oh hello, busboy! Glad you made it, lemme guess, you rode your teeny tiny bicicleta from skewl?  
David Rodriguez: Shut up!  
Kyle: David, what are you doing here?  
David Rodriguez: Well, I was on my way to school, I got stopped by some vice president prick and the next thing I knew: Now, I’m here in this hotel room!  
Cartman: Wow, that’s great to know, David.  
David Rodriguez: That’s Dah-veed!  
Cartman: Whatever, David!  
David Rodriguez: DAH-VEED!  
Cartman: David David David David David!!  
(Then Cartman and David Rodriguez gets into an argument because of a name pronunciation)  
Al Gore: Okay, let's get this meeting started. What do you kids think we should do to stop ManBearPig? Anyone?  
Stan: Well, Mr. Gore, my dad's a geologist a-  
Al Gore: [alerted, goes down on one knee] Wait does he have large hooves where his feet should be??  
Stan: No.  
Al Gore: Damn. For a minute there, I thought we found-Wait. [an alarm goes off nearby] Oh my God! [runs to his control center and leans back in his chair to look closely at his monitor. He begins to type quickly] ManBearPig screen active! What is this area of Colorado! It's a it's a cave of some kind! [a map of Cave of the Winds is shown, with the target below the text blinking]  
Michael: Yeah, that's Cave of the Winds.  
Kyle: It's a tourist attraction.  
Al Gore: Oh Jesus on ice skates, we've gotta get down there right away.  
Stan: Ah I don't think so, dude. [the kids head for the door]  
Kyle: Yeah, we've got school anyway.  
Heidi: We’ve got assignments to do.  
Cartman: (arguing) DAVID DAVID DAVID DAVID!!!  
David Rodriguez: (arguing) Dah-veed, Dah-veed, Dah-veed, Dah-ve-  
Kyle: Enough guys, let’s get going to school!  
Heidi: So....see you!  
Al Gore: I can get you all excused from school. [the kids stop in their tracks and turn around.]  
Michael: What did you say?  
Al Gore: I said....I can get you all excused from school.  
Heidi: You... have that kind of power?  
Al Gore: Look! You kids have a chance to help me find and kill ManBearPig once and for all! I'm totally serial! Whaddya say? Are you all in?

[Scene cuts to Wonderful Cave of the Winds, day, inside. A tour group gathers to embark on its tour]

Tour Guide: Hello everyone, welcome to Cave of the Winds. Our tour is gonna take us to two chambers in one of the most elaborate cavern systems in Colorado. [his head bobs as he sighs] Before we get started I do understand we have a special guest in our group today: the ex vice president, Mr. Al Gore. [one or two people clap, and Gore smiles at the two ladies, one on either side of him] Mr. Gore asked me to make sure you all knew he was here. Now, once we enter the cave we do ask you that you follow two rules: stay on the path and do not touch anything. Alright, are we ready?  
Group: Yeah.  
Tour Guide: Let's go cavin'. [turns on his headlight, opens the velvet rope and leads the group into the cave]  
(The tour)  
Tour Guide: Here we are in the main chamber of the cave; it was discovered in 1892 and first used as a hideout for smugglers of the Old West.  
Al Gore: Have you noticed high deposits of sulfur or a salmon-like odor coming from the caves lately?  
Tour Guide: [to Al Gore] Ahh, no. [addressing the group] Now, as you can see, the cave is filled with stalagmites and stalactites. Water drips from the cave's...  
Al Gore: All right, kids, I need you to keep an eye out for ManBearPig droppings...Think you can handle this task for me?  
David Rodriguez: Question, what do this creature’s droppings look like?  
Al Gore: That’s a very good question, my Mexican a-  
David Rodriguez: I’M NOT FROM MEXICO! I’M FROM IDAHO, YOU VICE PRESIDENT ASS-  
Al Gore: Oh, didn’t I get it right? Uh, David, isn’t it?  
David Rodriguez: IT’S DAH-VEED!!!  
Michael: Gotta lose your anger issues, next-  
David Rodriguez: SHUT UP!  
Tour Guide: These rocks often make interesting shapes which we like to name. For instance, this one here we named "The Hanging Mushroom." [a solid stalactite in the shape of a penis] And over here we have "Man With Helmet and Two Bowling Balls." [a massive stalagmite, again in the shape of a penis and two large testicles] And finally, of course, the "Two Sisters." [two smaller stalagmites, each the shape of a penis and testicles] Now the cave itself is millions of years old and has a constant temperature of 57 degrees.  
Al Gore: Groan! Groan! [this stops the tour and everyone turns to face him]  
Heidi: (face palms to herself) Oh god....  
Stan: Dude, you’re embarrassing us right now!  
Al Gore: Don’t worry, I got this! Groan! Groan!  
(Gilligan cut to next scene. Al Gore’s path)  
Heidi: Mr. Gore, I think we should stay with the tour group.  
Michael: Yeah she’s right, let’s go back!  
David Rodriguez: I suggest you should just t-  
Al Gore: [hearing the wind] Wait! Shhh. [concludes] Christ! He's here! Take this rope! [hands some rope to David Rodriguez]  
David Rodriguez: WHAT?!  
Al Gore: Be ready to tie him up! [brings out a shotgun] I've got you now, you son of a bitch! [begins shooting randomly, and bits of the cave ceiling begin falling]  
Kyle: What are you doing?! [bigger chunks of cave fall between Al Gore, the Six friends and David Rodriguez]  
Heidi: Oh no!  
Michael: Shit!  
David Rodriguez: FUCK!!!  
Michael/Cartman/Heidi/Stan/Kyle/Kenny/David Rodriguez: Aaaah! [the kids are now sealed off from Al Gore. Gore turns around and assumes the worst]  
Al Gore: Leave them alone, you Goddamned ManBearPig! They’re just children!!!!!  
[The tour. Chunks of cave begin falling along its path as well, and the tour guide takes appropriate action]  
Tour Guide: O-kay, everyone, out of the cave. Now! [the group turns around and runs back towards the entrance. The collapse follows the group] Go! Go! Get out of here, now! [the last person out of the cave is Al Gore, and the cave entrance is sealed shut by the collapse of the cave ceiling]


	3. Trapped!

Michael: Hello?  
Stan: Help!  
Kyle: We're trapped in here!  
Cartman: Somebody get us some help down hyah!  
Heidi: Eric, I’m here!  
Cartman: I know baby, I know.  
(Cartman hold hands with Heidi)  
Michael: Hello?!?  
Kyle: Hello, help!  
Kenny: (muffled) Anybody can hear us?!  
David Rodriguez: CAN SOMEBODY GET US OUT!  
Kyle: Forget it! They can’t hear us!  
Kenny: (muffled) What are we gonna do?  
David Rodriguez [pointing at Michael] You'd better get us out of here, asshole! You’re the one you’ve got the call from him!  
Michael: [faces David Rodriguez] ME?!?  
David Rodriguez: You just had to go and be nice to this vice prick! And now we're trapped in a cave! Thanks to you!  
Michael: Maybe there's another way out of here.  
David Rodriguez: What do you mean ”There’s another way out of here”?!?  
Kyle: A-all right, let's split up and look for a passageway. E-everyone take a different direction. [the kids split up. Kyle climbs along a pile of boulders] Oh man, we're in big trouble here.  
Michael: Yeah, we’re in deep shit alright!  
Heidi: Wait, where’s Eric?  
Cartman: [scrambling along his own path] This is... bullcrap! If I'm thin- I'm gonna be so... pissed off! [loses his footing and slides down some distance to the floor. He gets up and coughs from all the dust that went up around him] Goddammit! [reaches down and grabs his flashlight. He slaps it until it comes back on, coughs, and looks ahead. His eyes grow big. Before him is "Smuggle's Den," a corner of the cave in which sits an open treasure chest and two skeletons guarding it. Gold and jewelry are in and around the chest, while the skeletons have guns in their hands. Cartman approaches slowly, in awe]  
Kyle: You see anything, Heidi?  
Heidi: No, not-Eric? [Cartman is frozen, speechless] Hey you ok, babe? Talk to me, we’re best friends. I love you.  
Cartman: [in a soft, trembling voice] No, nothing  
Heidi: What babe?  
Cartman: [clears his throat and speaks normally] No, nothing here, babe! Nothing this way! [his eyes fixed on the look, he swoons] Tr... treasure.  
Heidi: Babe, you alright? [Cartman snaps out of it]  
Cartman: I'm fine, Heidi! This way is just a... dead end! Coming back to you now! [turns to head back to the other kids, but turns around one last time to remember where the treasure is, then heads back to his friends.]  
Kyle: It looks like we're completely sealed in.  
David Rodriguez: BULL....SHIT.  
Stan: [returning] There's a small passageway about 200 yards over there, but... it goes for a long long way and it's pretty steep [Cartman arrives]  
Cartman: You guys go on ahead. I'm gonna... stay here, wait it out. [the other four boys except Heidi and Michael turn to face him]  
Kyle: Why?  
Cartman: You know I....just... I I don't feel very good. I'll just wa-, I'll just weigh you guys down.  
Michael: Eric’s right. First rule of survival is stay put and wait to be rescued.  
Cartman: No, it's okay. You guys go on ahead.  
Heidi: Babe, please.  
Kyle: No, I think we'll stay here too. I mean what if we start wandering off, we're gonna get lost or killed. I suggest we should just wait here and hope help comes soon.  
Cartman: That's cool. I just... I just wouldn't go over there [points to his last location] if I were you guys. I just took a huge dump.  
Kyle: Aw, dude! [lifts his jacket over his nose.]  
David Rodriguez: ¡Oh Dios mío! (covers his nose)  
Stan: Sick! (covers his nose)  
Kenny: (Kenny draws his hoodstring tight)  
Michael: Oh god! (lifts his shirt over with his nose)  
Heidi: Well I don’t mind it.  
David Rodriguez: (still covering his nose) Well your stupid boyfriend just took a huge crap and you’re not even smelling it?!  
Heidi: Nope. I love Eric the way he is.

[Scene cuts to Cave of the Winds, outside. Rescue personnel have arrived and make their way towards the cave entrance. the tour guide demonstrates on a map what happened.]

Miner 1: The cave-in was massive. It has cut off all access in or out. The children are believe to be trapped somewhere in this area. (circles with his index finger an area on the right side of the map)  
Miner 2: Does anybody know who these kids are?  
Miner 1: Unfortunately no, nobody seems to knew them. Only that they were in the tour group. It’s going to take us days to dig them out.  
Al Gore: (arrives, interrupting) Excuse me, sorry to bother you. This cave-in was no accident, and it isn't going to stop unless we move fast! I am 100% super... duper... serial!  
Miner 1: What do you mean? The cave-in is over.

[Al Gore and Miners 1 & 2 then turns around. Then the President of the United States of America (Bob White) arrives with his bodyguards from a limo]  
Bob White: What’s all the commotion abou-(gasps) [shocked in anger to see Al Gore in person] IF ISN’T LYING PINOCCHIO!  
Al Gore: Oh hello, Bob.  
Bob White: Don’t you “hello” me, Gore! What you’re think you’re doing?!?  
Al Gore: Oh, you see, Bob, I was talking to these two Miners and-  
Bob White: Oh let me guess: Tricking people into believing this whole myth bullshit again, huh?  
Al Gore: Trust me, I’m afraid you have a much bigger problem than a cave-in.  
Bob White: What’s that? [Gore whips out a drawing of ManBearPig]  
Fireman: A pigbearman?  
Al Gore: No, stupid! It’s ManBearPig!  
Bob White: Oh really? And guess who doesn’t believe in ManBearPig? The Whites! At least I won the presidency from that billionaire Orange headfuck, who is planning to take over the presidency for the next four fucking years! And we, the Democrats took over the White House and guess who I’m the president? That’s fucking right, ME!!!!


	4. Smuggler's Den

[Scene cuts Back at the inner collapse]

Stan: I'm sooo hungry right now!  
Michael: Dude, do you think people even know we're here?  
Kyle: Yeah, they saw us on the tour. [Cartman comes back from the den] Dude, where do you keep going a lot, Cartman?  
Cartman: I just... n-need to keep taking a crap. I got diarrhea, really bad.  
Kyle: Dude, it's bad enough we have to sit here without you taking a crap every ten minutes!  
David Rodriguez: (mocks Cartman) “I just need to keep taking a crap. I got diarrhea, really bad!” Well this is just fucking perfect, huh guys?! We’re trapped in a cave and nobody can hear us right now! (to face Michael) And shame on you, Michael! For trusting Al Gore for this whole myth bullshit so he can manipulate us into believing him?!  
Michael: It’s not my fault, David! I had to trust him!  
David Rodriguez: Since when?!  
Michael: When I got the call from him last night!  
Heidi: Come on, we didn’t had no choice! Al Gore is our friend, remember? He wouldn’t trick us in the first place.  
David Rodriguez: WE WERE TRICKED! YOU GUYS WERE THE VICTIMS!  
Heidi: Look we’re not the victims, David! I feel sorry for Eric, because he keeps on having diarrhea a lot!  
Michael: Well, I also feel sorry for Eric too!  
David Rodriguez: Oh great, you two believe in him, huh?  
Michael: I..I was just saying.  
Stan: Guys stop. Let's just try to sleep. Maybe help will come tomorrow.  
Heidi: Yeah, you’re right.  
Michael: Let’s get going to sleep then.

[Sleep time at the inner cave-in. Stan, Kyle, David Rodriguez and Kenny sleep. Cartman sits with Heidi and Michael, while feeling helpless]  
Heidi: I can’t believe it, guys. I really didn't think things would end up like this. And now, we’re trapped.  
Cartman: Yeah.  
Michael: Tell me about it.  
Heidi: Maybe, we should’ve not go on this tour with Al Gore.  
Michael: I agree. I wish I didn’t get that stupid call from him in the first place.  
Cartman: Yeah, it’s not your fault, Mike.  
Michael: Thanks buddy, I know we will get out of the cave and  
Heidi: (finishes his sentence) Be back in our homes with our families.  
(Heidi notices Cartman is worried)  
Heidi: Babe, what’s wrong?  
Cartman: It’s nothing  
Heidi: Hey it’s ok, I’ll always be honest with you, you can tell me everything. You’re my best friend, Eric.  
Cartman: Well...(breathes heavily) There’s a cave. A cave with an open treasure chest and some skeletons guarding it. Gold and jewelry.  
Heidi: Gold and jewelry?  
Cartman: I feel like I wanna take it.  
Michael: Why would you take it?  
Cartman: I just...I...I just feel so greedy.  
Michael: Oh.  
Heidi: Babe, I don’t think taking gold and jewelry is a bad-(Then suddenly, A idea pops in Heidi‘s head) Eric, you thinking what I’m thinking?  
Cartman: Yeah?  
Heidi: Hey remember you said earlier that you wanna take gold and jewelry from the chest?  
Cartman: Uh huh.  
Heidi: Do it for me, Eric.  
(Cartman gets up from sitting with Heidi and Michael)  
Cartman: You know what? You’re right. I’m gonna need some alone time right now. You guys have to create a division.  
Michael: Got it!  
Heidi: Will do!  
Cartman: (to Heidi and Michael) Well, wish me luck, guys. I’m off.  
(Cartman smiles and walks away from Heidi and Michael. He then gets a mischievously look in his eyes and begins talking to himself)  
Cartman: [softly throughout] All that treasure. [gets excited] It's all mine! [gets angry] So long as these greedy assholes don't find out about it! [looks at Stan, Kyle, Kenny and David Rodriguez] You would all just love to get your hands on my treasure, wouldn't you?! Even though I found it, you'd love to think it's somehow yours, too! [begins to crawl towards Kyle] Especially you, you money-grubbing snake in the grass! [reaches Kyle so that his face is smiling evilly down at Kyle's face. He whispers] And as for you, Jewboy! You're never going to get my treasure. I've got a little plan going, to get the treasure out of here without you ever knowing. [Kyle stirs and wakes up]  
Kyle: C-Cartman?  
Cartman: [says nothing for a few seconds, then] Oh. Hey Kyle. What’s up?  
Kyle: Dude, what are you do-  
Michael: [interrupts Kyle] Leave Eric alone!  
Heidi: Go babe! We’ll distract Kyle! Go!

[Cut back to Cave of the Winds, outside. The rescue personnels - rangers, firefighters, and paramedics - return to their work]  
Al Gore: [whining, stamps his right foot when saying "serial"] Why won't anybody listen to me?! ManBearPig is in there and we have to kill him while we all have the chance. I'm serial!  
Bob White: Ohhhhh give it a rest, will ya? Nobody’s gonna listen to your whatdya call it nonsense! ‘Cos the Whites doesn’t take any fucking crap from you!  
Al Gore: You don’t understand, Bob! We gotta fill the cave with hot molten lead, 'cause it's the only way to make sure that ManBearPig comes out! And I'm sane and I'm totally serial, but everyone just keeps digging!  
Bob White: “Just keeps digging?” What are you, stupid?! (to Miner 3) Any news yet?  
Miner 3: Well, see, the problem is that if we fill the caves with hot molten lead, it will kill those kids too.  
Al Gore: They're already dead! Didn't you listen to me?? They got attacked by a ManBearPig and ManBearPig leaves nobody alive! I'm super serial! Nobody will listen to me but I'm serial! [begins to weep]  
Bob White: Look, you gonna keep pissing us off? I will punch you right in the fucking face, Al!  
Bodyguard 1: [To Bob White] Mr. President, Do you want us to get the ex-vice president out of here?  
Al Gore: No please, Bob! Don’t do this, you’re my friend!  
Bob White: (ranting at Al Gore) I’M NOT YOUR FRIEND, AL! AND NOBODY DOESN’T LIKE YOU, BECAUSE YOU ARE A COMPLETE SELFISH ASSHOLE. EVEN MY SON DOESN’T LIKE YOU, MY WIFE DOESN’T LIKE YOU AND MY DAUGHTER REALLY HATED YOU SO MUCH! THAT’S WHY THE WHITES WILL ALWAYS HATE YOU NO MATTER FUCKING WHAT!  
Al Gore: You...you know that hurt my f-feelings, Bob.  
Bob White: Oh, shut up!

[Scene now cuts to Smuggler's Den, some time later. Cartman makes his way to it again with a bottle of water in his right hand. He heads straight for the treasure and cackles softly, then stops]  
Cartman: [determined] All right. Gotta be strong. This is for Heidi and Michael! [looks at the coins in his hands] There's still a lot more treasure to go. [He begins to swallow the coins and wash them down with "WOTTUR." He soon runs into some difficulty swallowing and drinking, so it seems like he's puking. Stan, Kenny and David Rodriguez are awake and listening with concern]  
Stan: Dude, I think he's really sick. [Cartman has moved on to swallowing necklaces and loose gemstones]

[Cut to Cave of the Winds, outside. The media have gotten wind of the story, so an CNN reporting crew has joined the rescue personnel]  
CNN Reporter: It's been three days since seven unidentified children were trapped in a cave-in. Three days without food and time is certainly running out. The digging continues, but progress is fatally slow.  
Bob White: [standing on a United States of America podium] Alright listen up! We’ve gotta work faster! Our best estimate still puts us three days from reaching the area of the cave called Smuggler's Den.  
Ranger: You sure your plan will work, Mr. President?  
Bob White: I’m positively sure that my plan will work out perfectly!  
Tour Guide: Ih it's a room near the end of the tour where you can get your picture taken with fake treasure. Here, see? [holds up a picture of two kids standing in front of the treasure]  
Bob White: My god, you’re right!  
Miner 1: Based on where the kids were seen last, they're somewhere near this area! Hopefully they've followed the first rule of survival and stayed put.


	5. A Way Out of the Cave

[Back at the inner collapse. Stan, Michael and David are asleep and Kyle goes to wake them up]

Kyle: Stan! Michael! David! wake up!  
Stan: [wakes up and rubs his eyes] Huh? What?  
Michael: [wakes up and rubs his eyes] Are they here?  
David Rodriguez: [wakes up and rubs his eyes] Ohh finally!  
Kyle: No you guys, it's Cartman. Something's really wrong with him. [moves off, and Stan, Michael and David Rodriguez follows. Stan shines his light on Cartman, who's now overstuffed with the treasure he's been swallowing. Kenny holds the water bottle Cartman was drinking from. Heidi is holding Cartman’s hand]  
Cartman: Meh, meuh urgh. [coughs] Mbeuh  
Stan: Oh my God. [runs up to Cartman] Cartman? Dude, can you hear us?  
Cartman: [cough] I'm fahn. Just a lit- [gulp] No big deal. [burps] Beh  
Heidi: Eric’s overstuffed! He must have pigged out a lot! (sighs) It was my idea, you guys.  
Michael: Yeah me too.  
David Rodriguez: Yeah you think?!?  
Kyle: [taps Stan and takes him aside] We can't wait here any longer! Dude, we've gotta get him out of here or he's gonna die.  
Heidi: Kyle’s right, we’ve gotta get Eric out of here!  
David Rodriguez: Oh great! Why would he got so....much fatter?!  
Heidi: He’s not fatter, David! He’s overstuffed!  
David Rodriguez: So what’s the fucking difference?!?  
Kyle: Guys, I think we should get out first. See if we can find a way out and then come back for him.  
Cartman: NO DON'T! Don't leave me here, you assholes. Don't leave me here to die. [coughs]  
Heidi: We’re gonna get you out of here, babe! This time, I’m staying with you.

[Cave of the Winds, outside. The rescue mission continue. Back at the inner collapse. Michael, Heidi, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and David Rodriguez have all climbed out and have wrapped Cartman up to hoist him out. Cartman coughs as he rises to the top. The kids are pulling with all their might]  
Kyle: Come on come on! Pull!  
David Rodriguez: Goddamnit, he's so fucking heavy! Look at him, he’s like a fatter Piñata!  
Heidi: Hey, leave Eric alone!  
Cartman: Buh. Hurry you guys. You gotta get me out of here. [grunts, and a fart comes out. His face lights up in alarm]  
David Rodriguez: What the shit was that?!  
Stan: Cartman?  
Michael: You ok, bud?  
Cartman: You guys, we've got no time! You gotta get me out!! [the kids pull again.]

[A river nearby. A crane approaches the river with a hoist full of boulders. Al Gore is manning the crane, moving levers here and there, positioning the hoist]

Al Gore: This is the end of you, ManBearPig. [releases the boulders onto the river, and the water is diverted towards the cave] Excelsior!

[Cave of the Winds, outside. The rescue personnel stare as they notice water flooding towards the cave entrance. The water enters the cave]

Kenny: (We're almost there!)  
Stan [exhausted] I can't keep carrying him, dude! I've got no strength!  
Cartman: Yes you do! [something drops, and the roar of flooding water is heard]  
Heidi: Come on guys, we’ve gotta stick together!  
Michael: Hang on buddy, we’re gonna make it!  
Kyle: What the hell is that? [the kids turn quickly to see where the sound is coming from, and the wave of water appears. Cartman coughs again. The water rises towards them.] Oh my God. [the kids back up]  
Cartman: No! Let me out of here! Let me out of here, you guys!  
Heidi: You’re gonna be ok, Eric! I’m here for you. Always.  
David Rodriguez: (gasps)  
Kyle: Ruuun! [the kids turn and run from the advancing water, but it overtakes them, sweeping them along]

[Cave of the Winds, outside. The flash flood stops all activity]  
Miner 1: That's it! Pull everyone out! There's nothing more we can do!  
Bob White: Oh no you don’t! We’re not stopping! Not until the kids are out!  
Al Gore: And what if I’m absolutely right about it?  
Bob White: About what?!  
Al Gore: [softly] Nothing left alive... [grins]  
Bob White: What was that?  
Al Gore: I did it. I killed ManBearPig. I've saved the earth from certain destruction.  
Bob White: ARE YOU SHITTING ME, GORE?! WHY WOULD WE EVER TRUST YOU?!  
Al Gore: I’m glad you asked, Bob.

[Cave of the Winds, inside. The kids have been swept into a newly-made lake. Stan is the first to pop up out of the water. He swims to a nearby bank and holds on to a boulder. Michael, Kyle, Kenny and David Rodriguez both pops up next to him]

Stan: Guys! Here, take my hand! [Michael, Kyle, Kenny and David Rodriguez does so and makes it to safety. A change of POV shows Heidi hauling Cartman] Heidi, the water's rising!  
Cartman: Babe, grab my hand!  
Heidi: Er.. Eric! You've gotta swim! Kick with your legs!  
Cartman: I can’t kick!  
Heidi: Yes you can, babe! I don’t want to lose you!  
Cartman: I can't, babe! Kick yourself back to safety!  
Heidi: No, don’t let go off of my hand, babe!  
Cartman: No, you just have to save me. [Cartman stops and begins to drop down to the bottom, taking Heidi with him]  
Stan: Heidi, no!

[Cut to Cave of the Winds, outside. The music indicates a funeral, and it is so. Al Gore is at the podium giving a eulogy]  
Al Gore: We are gathered here to say goodbye to seven kids whom we all tried to help, but, in the end, could not. But-  
Bob White: BOOOOO, BOO AL GORE BOOO!!!  
Al Gore: But where there is loss, there is-  
Bob White: BOOOOO, GO FUCK YOURSELF, GORE!!!  
Al Gore: There is hope. For ManBearPig is no more.  
Tour Guide: Oh Jesus, here we go again. [The mourners hold candles with little paper guards over their hands]  
Al Gore: I have beaten ManBearPig, and we will never forget the names of the brave young kids who lost their lives. Kid 1, Kid 2, Kid 3, Kid 4, Kid 5, Kid 6 and of course, Kid 7. [off to the mourners' left, some rocks move and give way to a new opening] I remember how Kid 1 used to laugh and play. [a tour guide notices and watches. The rocks move some more and Stan appears] And how Kid 2 was always there when I needed him.  
Stan: Agh.  
[Stan, Kyle, Michael, Heidi, Kenny and David Rodriguez work to pull Cartman out, but it's hard]  
Bob White: Look!  
Miner 1: It's the kids! [everyone rises and runs towards the kids]  
Miner 4: They're alive! [all seven of them are out now]  
Mrs. Rodriguez: David!  
[David Rodriguez then turns around to see his parents]  
David Rodriguez: Mom! Dad!  
[David Rodriguez runs to his parents and hugs them. David then faces to the six friends and sticks his middle finger up at them]  
Al Gore: [walks up to the six friends] Kids! I saved you!  
Michael: Just stay away from us, asshole!  
Al Gore: W-what?  
Michael: I was nice to you because you don't have any friends! But now I see WHY you don't have any friends!  
Stan: You controlled us and you manipulate us!  
Kyle: And YOU USED US AS YOUR PUPPETS!  
Heidi: You should be ashamed for yourself, Mr. Gore!  
Michael: You just used ManBearPig as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a complete total LOSER!!  
Stan: You REALLY ARE THE VICTIM!  
Al Gore: [undaunted] Hyeah right. The man who singlehandedly killed ManBearPig is a loser. [grins. Cartman starts to groan]  
Kyle: We need to get our friend to a hospital right away!  
Cartman: No! No I'm fine! [begins to walk with difficulty] I just need to get home, a-and rest.  
Heidi: I’ll stay with you, Eric.  
Michael: And so am I too!  
Stan: No really guys! Cartman needs to see a doctor, like right now!  
Cartman: [leaving] Noo! I just need to get to a toilet. See you guys. I... [stops] habbeh... HABBEHHHHHHHHHH! [his pants rip open in the read and much of the treasure he had swallowed comes flying out of his body. Then he farts. A long silence follows as everyone looks at him and at the fake treasure he just pooped out]  
Heidi: You alright, babe?  
Stan: Uh guys?  
Kyle: Yeah?  
Stan: I think Cartman just crapped treasure out of his ass.  
Cartman: Yeah that’s right, I got it out of the cave; it belongs to me! Keep your greedy hands away!  
Tour Guide 2: Hey, that looks like the fake treasure from our Smuggler's Den photo room.  
Cartman: That's right, and I... [looks at the tour guide] Fake treasure?  
Tour Guide 2: Yeah, we put it there for kids to take their picture with. All in all, I'd say that treasure is worth about fourteen dollars.  
Cartman: Noo... NOOO GOD!!! [craps out some more treasure] NOO! OW!  
Kyle: You made us pull you to safety because you ate treasure?! You son of a-  
Heidi: It was my idea, Kyle! I made Eric do it, and it’s my fault.  
Michael: And mine too.  
Kyle: (to Heidi and Michael) You two should be blamed for this!  
Cartman: Ah, ow!! [craps out even more fake treasure] Dowww!  
Al Gore: [now wearing a cape, loosely] Well, my work here is done. I've killed MBP, and now I must save the world from something else. Maybe I'll make a movie. A movie starring me. Then people will take me super-serial. Al Gore, out! [runs off in superhero pose]  
Cartman: Eh! [a gold-colored vase pops out of his ass]


End file.
